Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nicole's Naughty Review of Avatar

As some of you already know, I did a serious-ish blog post on Avatar yesterday, over on my site. Mark Henry responded by berating me about not talking about the mud jism or the smurf sex, saying I might not really be a Leaguer for such an infraction.

So here it is:

Nicole’s Naughty Review of Avatar

First of all, where the bitch’s nipples? The dudes have nipples, and the women wear these necklace/breast plate thingamabobs that appear to be designed to cover nipples . . . yet there are no nipples! Sometimes there seems to be a hint of nipple, but then there is one scene where Hot Blue Princess Lady (henceforth referred to as HBPL) is leaning over Always Hot Even as a Racked Smurf Sam Worthington (henceforth referred to as AHERSSW) cause he’s taken a tumble, or something, and her necklace falls forward. Revealed there is her boobie, in all its perfectly globular globularity, SANS NIPPLES.


Secondly, we gotta talk about the braid/flash drive/possible genitalia. As my former student pointed out on my Facebook page, there’s a scene soon after AHERSSW gets his avatar in which he’s caught fondling the tip of his braid. Sigourney Weaver’s avatar says something like, “if you play with that you’ll get hair on your palms,” or some other antediluvian reference to masturbation. So I’m all, “Woah, they have hair sex! Weird! But I like the fact Cameron didn’t assume aliens would have the sex like humans do.”

Then the first thing I see AHERSSW sticking it to is not HBPL, in all her nippleless glory, but a SIX-LEGGED HORSE. I was like, “Woah, didn’t know it was gonna be this kinda movie!” Yeah the horse was a magnificent steed, but really? THEN AHERSSW sticks it to a flying dinosaur beastie, and then an even BIGGER flying dinosaur beastie. And then a TREE!

Finally, AHERSSW is deemed a man in the Racked Smurf society, and there’s a coy interchange between him and HBPL about whom he will choose as his mate. I was thinking, “”Finally, he’ll stick the braid to something OTHER than animals and random greenery.” But no! In what had to be one of the only genuinely awkward, unconvincing scenes of the movie (not least because I was surrounded, on all sides, by snot-nosed children), our Racked Smurf hero and heroine sort of grapple, and she sort of mounts him, and then it fades to black with their HAIR LYING PRONE ON THEIR BACKS! Do the large blue people need that little blue pill?

But after some thought, I think it makes sense that they can’t plug into each other. First of all, they all seem to be plugging it to half of the animals and trees they come across, so ewwwwww. Secondly, you seem to be able to “drive” whatever you plug your hair into. Imagine Al and Peg Bundy in that situation! They’d wrestle for control every time their hair melded. We’d know Al won if Peg had to cook him dinner, and we’d know Peg won if Al had to plug in a little suntin-suntin different than his hair. Get my drift? What if the two had melded and, say, HBPL won, and we learn that she has a hidden kink for playing horsie with her men? Next thing we know she’s got AHERSSW saddled and bridled. Or AHERSSW wins, and we learn he’s got crossdressing tendencies. Pretty soon, he’s frolicking around in HBPL’s slightly shredded purple tights and one of her (pointless) nipple-covering necklaces.

What I’m trying to say here is that if we could “drive” our partners during sex, the world would grind to a halt. And I’d like to credit James Cameron with figuring that out, as he obviously did. You, sir, are a sexual philosopher, like the Marquis de Sade! Only without the sewing shut of lady’s vagoos, and then fucking them, for which we are all grateful.*

So that’s my Naughty Review of Avatar. What do you guys think? Did you notice anything else when you watched the movie? And who else thinks that damned blue sapphire plunging into the sea at the end of Titanic was really a metaphor for the old lady kiestering it, so she could finally afford that Stairlift she’d been wanting for so long?

*That happens! In Justine! Or Philosophy in the Bedroom. They’ve run together in my mind. It’s just so hard to keep straight who the Marquis sews shut, and who he sodomizes with farm implements. Oh, those crazy Frenchmen!

Monday, December 28, 2009

HAPPY ALMOST-RELEASE DAY!



Hey All!

I just wanted to remind you that NICE GIRLS DON'T LIVE FOREVER officially hits the shelves on Tuesday.

Also, I've got two interviews/events/contests going right now:

Amberkatze's Book Blog

Elie (Ellz Readz)

And I'll be making an appearance at the Whine Sisters, courtesy of Sherry Erwin, on Thursday.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Holidays!



Okay, I admit it-- I'm not nearly as clever as other Leaguers who compose poems and little ditties to celebrate the holidays, but here’s my contribution: Three Christmas pics for your viewing pleasure.


The first is a Christmas tree made from books.



The Adelaide Hills Council Library Service in Woodside, South Australia put this one together. The tree is made from used books for the body, magazine pages for the stars and cassette tape for the tinsel--all old library stock left over from the last book sale. Now that's recycling!

The second is a Christmas tree decorated with books.



Chicklet Books' display is part of the Princeton, NJ Merchants Window Display. The booksellers at Chicklet, also made a menorah out of books.

And what would Christmas be without Santa! Lady K has him captivated by her list.



Hope she (and all of you) have fun this holiday, stay warm, enjoy time with your family and friends. Just think, in a little more than a week, we start a new year with all its magnificent possibilities.

I, for one, can hardly wait.

Love, Jeanne

Monday, December 21, 2009

Santa Wicket sees into your soul, naughty folks

In the spirit of the holidays, I give you a little ditty of mine about the woes of being a struggling writer. MSS is, of course, shorthand for manuscript. Enjoy and may my kitteh help make you ded of the cute this holiday season!


The Twelve Days of WriteMSS

aka, The Write-mare Before Christmas

(with apologies to the yuletide spirit)


On the first day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the second day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the third day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the fourth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the fifth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the sixth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the seventh day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the eighth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Eight chapters missing

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the ninth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Nine hard drives crashing

Eight chapters missing

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the tenth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Ten pages jamming

Nine hard drives crashing

Eight chapters missing

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the eleventh day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Eleven deadlines passing

Ten pages jamming

Nine hard drives crashing

Eight chapters missing

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

A cartridge full of black ink.


On the twelfth day of WriteMSS my true love sent to me

Twelve works unfinished

Eleven deadlines passing

Ten pages jamming

Nine hard drives crashing

Eight chapters missing

Seven scenes rewritten

Six weeks delaying

Five weeks til deadline

Four copyedits

Three red pens

Two white reams and

a cartridge full of black ink.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Holidays, Urban Fantasy Style

Giguhl wants to wish you happy holidays, bitches.



Also, to celebrate the magic of the season, I've composed a heartwarming melody that's sure to become an instant holiday classic: The Twelve Days of an Urban Fantasy Heroine.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

DOUBLE THE FUN

Hey all! I'll be doing a joint event with Jill Myles at Bitten By Books starting tomorrow at noon. Come by and ask a question or leave a comment and you could win a copy of my newest book NICE GIRLS DON'T LIVE FOREVER.

RSVP here .

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Right-After Life

We were watching one of our fave tv shows, wherein the smartass host gets himself into such stenchy situations we're continuously amazed that he doesn't puke right into the camera lens. Yup, I'm talking about Dirty Jobs. Last night we saw the one where he took twelve hours to make one firework, which the guy who does it every day said would've taken him fifteen minutes. The guy also said he sometimes gets requests from families for him to pack the fireworks with the remains of their loved ones. As in, yeah, their ashes.

Imagine sending your last material bits up into the sky for a final, sparkly blastoff. Oooo. Aaahh.

The idea has merit.

So I'm thinking, yeah, maybe. Either that, or I'd like to be dumped in a public pool and mistaken for some toxic substance that would cause a mass exodus along the lines of the famous candy bar scene from Caddyshack.

I'm still debating.

What's the oddest after-life wish you've ever heard of someone making?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Guest Blogger: Shiloh Walker

Thanks to the members here at the League for letting me pop in… I appreciate it!

Want to know a word I hear a lot? It’s why.

It’s a question I get asked a lot. From my kids… ie: Mom, why do I have to pick up my room? Why do I have to put up my clothes?

From my darling husband who can’t understand why I love to curl up in a hot bath with a book and a glass of wine… with the door locked. (Moms everywhere probably understand the answer to that one.)

I get it from people I used to work with when they ask me about my writing.

I get it from people I meet at booksignings, who want to know why I have a picture of a sexy chick standing next to an over-sized cougar.

Why do you write that kind of stuff?

That’s the why I’m going to talk about today.

Except I’m not going to answer the why.

I’m going to answer the why not.

Why not write hot paranormal romances?

I love hot paranormal romances. I mean, I’ve got an entire shelf in the DVD cabinet devoted to BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. My TBR stack is no longer a shelf, it’s an entire book case and half of those books are paranormal.

Why not?

They can be so much fun. I had more fun writing one of my most recent releases, CANDY HOUSES, than I can remember having in quite a while. My lovely host Mark saw me mention the title on twitter when I was working on it and he asked if it was an erotic telling of Hansel and Gretel and why, yes…yes, it was. Except there wasn’t any Hansel. In my story, Hansel was a mean little bastard who died a nasty, nasty death after abusing his sister Gretel. In my story, the characters from fairy tales come to life and they are actually guardian angels…called Grimms. Writing them has just been outright fun.

So why not?

There’s a wealth of inspiration out there, and so many myths and tales you can pull from. Not just vampires, not just werewolves, but witches, psychics, guardian angels, demons…even ghosts. Flipping through books on mythology, cryptids, fairy tales? When you write paranormal, that’s actually research. Watching Buffy can be research. Watching a horror flick late at night with my husband is research.

There are plenty of reasons why I write it…but one of the main reasons…it’s fun.

Do you like to read or write paranormal romance? Who is your favorite author…what is your favorite paranormal creature from fiction?

Again, thanks for having me!

Shiloh Walker

http://shilohwalker.com


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The League RAWKS the RT Book Awards Noms!

Aw HELLZ yeah!

Thas right. Four. Count 'em. Four League members up for RT awards this year.

In the Best Vampire Romance Category...
In the Best Paranormal Fiction Category...

Sadly, the rest of us have been judged somehow lacking. Luckily we have switchblades to remedy this situation in the future.

Seriously, Congratulations ladies, you make us proud as new parents of a baby that doesn't have three arms.

Monday, December 7, 2009

On the Hot Seat

So THREE DAYS TO DEAD is up for discussion today at Bitten By Books. Pop on over to chat about the book, answer a few questions, and be entered into their giveaway!

Come on, you know you wanna. :)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Things I Like

Hi all! First of all, I want to apologize for being such a terrible Leaguer the past few months. Releasing a book is a LOT more work than I thought it would be. I thought I'd just sit back and not even notice . . . and that's not how it works. Anyway, things are finally settling down and I promise never to ignore the League so badly again. Until Tracking releases.

Today I wanted to give you another installment of Things I Like. As usual, some recent music that has (quite literally) been rocking my socks. Both of these bands have been around for a while, but I just heard them for the first time. And the second I heard both of them, I was hooked. Like, staring at the speakers and drooling on myself hooked.

The first band is the Editors. OMG that voice:


I get chills! Chills! Then I get kinda warm . . . like "I climbed the rope in gym class" kinda warm.

I feel similarly gym-rope-enhanced when I first heard this second band, Sea Wolf:


The next Thing I Like is Gail Carriger's Soulless:


I adored this book! It's clever, fun, and delightfully parodic. I loved it. I'm also lucky enough to share an editor with Gail, and she and I will soon start blogging together on Orbit's site. Her Alexia and my Jane are a delightful sort of odd couple, although, at heart, I think they're very similar. To kick off our new blogging relationship, Gail and I let our two characters meet, for the first time, and run a contest here, at my site. It runs till Monday, so get in while the gettin's good!

Another thing I've always loved, and finally bought one for myself, are Alexander McQueen's lovely silk skull scarves:


I bought myself the classic white skulls on black. I love it. Love. It.

Finally, there's one last Thing I Like: Jane's fans. Granted, there are like twelve of you, but I love you. Reading your responses to Jane on forums, and review sites, and at booksellers has made all of this work, craziness, and stress worth it. You guys delight me, and I couldn't be luckier to have such passionate, lovely reactions to Jane and her book. Thank you so much for everything you're doing to get the word out, and for all the lovely things you say about Jane and Tempest Rising. You rock!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Spinny Kiss

You know the scene. It's in every movie with a decent smooch. The lovers lock eyes. Then they lock lips. Then the camera seems to dance around them. Or are they standing on a huge lazy-susan operated by a team of ponies with pink bows braided into their manes? If so . . . I gotta get me one. Talk about a great backyard fun-ride. Spinny-kissifier combined with twirling office chair? I'm thinking hours of work-avoiding pleasure at my fingertips.

What would you do with a contraption like that?

Cause When You Think of Sarah Palin and Augusten Burroughs....

You think of Molly Harper.

This has to go down as the Most Random Publicity Mention Ever, but it's pretty cool. Thank you, CanWest News Service!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Save Amanda Feral!!!


Click on the pic for your chance to win an ARC of Battle of the Network Zombies!

The zombie you save could be mine. **sobs**

Contests and Surveys, oh my!

First of all, I'm running a wee contest to win both a copy of Tempest Rising together with a copy of Gail Carriger's FANTABULOUS Soulless, over at my site. Come check it out!

And there's also a cover contest/survey going on here, in which you'll recognize quite a few leaguers! And I know you want to vote for us! I know it!

Finally, there's still time to come ask me some questions at Bitten By Books! And to enjoy a little vloggage. Awesome.

Who the HELL Do We Think We Are?

We're a bunch of paranormal romance and urban fantasy authors who occasionally blog, make filthy jokes and prowl the halls of conferences and conventions with switchblades!

Current roster: Mario Acevedo, Michele Bardsley, Sonya Bateman, Dakota Cassidy, Carolyn Crane, Molly Harper, Kevin Hearne, Mark Henry, Stacia Kane, Jackie Kessler, J.F. Lewis, Daniel Marks, Richelle Mead, Kelly Meding, Allison Pang, Nicole Peeler, Kat Richardson, Michelle Rowen, Diana Rowland, Jeanne C. Stein, K.A. Stewart, Anton Strout, and Jaye Wells

******************