A Guide to Surviving Whatever Halloween Throws at You
So, as usual, I've been watching way too many horror movies in the lead-up to Halloween. And because I tend to over-think these things, I've started composing lists of things I need to watch for just in case I'm destined for some sort of SyFy Channel Halloween death match. And because you're my blog peeps, and I love you, and I want you to survive if such a situation comes up, I thought I'd share them with you.
Five signs you are about to be bitch-slapped by the zombie apocalypse.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You recently achieved a life milestone- marriage, a promotion, pregnancy, or retiring. In zombie movies, God will only let you be happy for so long.
3) You fiddle with chemicals and/or bio-hazardous materials you neither appreciate nor understand.
4) You are feisty and/or plucky. Zombies are drawn to "plucky" like ants to an open Coke can. And your Coke can is full of delicious brains.
5) Despite having never touched a gun before, you discover a heretofore unknown mastery of badass weapons.
Five signs you are about to be possessed or eviscerated by a ghost
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You find an amulet inscribed with a Satanic symbol, a book bound in human skin, or some other object the locals describe as “cursed,” then stick it in your pocket as a souvenir.
3) You bear a striking resemblance to any person in the history of any place. Ever.
4) Your ancestors did something really, really douche-y, once upon a time.
5) You have been told a local legend about a spirit that devours attractive twenty-somethings, turns attractive twenty-somethings inside out, or skins attractive twenty-somethings and turns them into puppets or household furnishings. But you ignore it. It’s just a story, right?
Five signs you are about to ironically murdered by a serial killer.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) Someone in your group of friends is a really attractive, sweet-natured virgin.
3) You’re on a group outing with friends, but can’t wait until the end of evening to have sex. So you sneak off to a location where no one will hear you. You’re smart AND classy.
4) No one in your group has a fully charged cell phone, a well-maintained car or a gun.
5) Someone in your group, usually the one wearing glasses, has a really solid survival plan, but you don’t listen to it.
Five signs you are being targeted by some variation of a mutated shark, gator, octopus, fish, snake, gorilla or combination thereof.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You are a grizzled old fisherman with a drinking problem, that no one will miss until your remaining bits are found in an estuary.
3) You stumble upon a twisted, empty storage container from an ominously-named genetic engineering lab a few yards from your campsite, but you don’t want to change your plans for the weekend.
4) You utter the words, “Did you hear something?”
5) You are outside at night, either going to pee or to meet your sweetheart for an ill-advised rendezvous and your flashlight’s battery just died.
Five signs you are about to be devoured by vampires, the non-sexy, non-teen angsty variety.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You live in an isolated community where there is an inordinate amount of rain or night-time hours.
3) You are driving a bloodmobile.
4) You are friends with someone who seems to know too much about vampire traditions and history.
5) You are biddable and desperate for friends and would therefore make an invaluable bug-eating familiar.
Five signs you are about to be bitch-slapped by the zombie apocalypse.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You recently achieved a life milestone- marriage, a promotion, pregnancy, or retiring. In zombie movies, God will only let you be happy for so long.
3) You fiddle with chemicals and/or bio-hazardous materials you neither appreciate nor understand.
4) You are feisty and/or plucky. Zombies are drawn to "plucky" like ants to an open Coke can. And your Coke can is full of delicious brains.
5) Despite having never touched a gun before, you discover a heretofore unknown mastery of badass weapons.
Five signs you are about to be possessed or eviscerated by a ghost
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You find an amulet inscribed with a Satanic symbol, a book bound in human skin, or some other object the locals describe as “cursed,” then stick it in your pocket as a souvenir.
3) You bear a striking resemblance to any person in the history of any place. Ever.
4) Your ancestors did something really, really douche-y, once upon a time.
5) You have been told a local legend about a spirit that devours attractive twenty-somethings, turns attractive twenty-somethings inside out, or skins attractive twenty-somethings and turns them into puppets or household furnishings. But you ignore it. It’s just a story, right?
Five signs you are about to ironically murdered by a serial killer.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) Someone in your group of friends is a really attractive, sweet-natured virgin.
3) You’re on a group outing with friends, but can’t wait until the end of evening to have sex. So you sneak off to a location where no one will hear you. You’re smart AND classy.
4) No one in your group has a fully charged cell phone, a well-maintained car or a gun.
5) Someone in your group, usually the one wearing glasses, has a really solid survival plan, but you don’t listen to it.
Five signs you are being targeted by some variation of a mutated shark, gator, octopus, fish, snake, gorilla or combination thereof.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You are a grizzled old fisherman with a drinking problem, that no one will miss until your remaining bits are found in an estuary.
3) You stumble upon a twisted, empty storage container from an ominously-named genetic engineering lab a few yards from your campsite, but you don’t want to change your plans for the weekend.
4) You utter the words, “Did you hear something?”
5) You are outside at night, either going to pee or to meet your sweetheart for an ill-advised rendezvous and your flashlight’s battery just died.
Five signs you are about to be devoured by vampires, the non-sexy, non-teen angsty variety.
1) You have drunkenly stumbled into a mausoleum, hunting cabin, abandoned hospital/mental ward, derelict amusement park or closed shopping mall to do something juvenile and asinine.
2) You live in an isolated community where there is an inordinate amount of rain or night-time hours.
3) You are driving a bloodmobile.
4) You are friends with someone who seems to know too much about vampire traditions and history.
5) You are biddable and desperate for friends and would therefore make an invaluable bug-eating familiar.
Comments
No, wait, that's stupid. I should take the gin with me.