THE WRITE PRETENDAS
Why are we angry, you ask?
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T GET BOYCOTTED.
There's this group calling itself "The Write Agenda," who claims to be a bunch of authors looking out for other authors. In reality, we're pretty sure they're a bunch of con artists who got mad at people calling them con artists. Why? Because they attack two of the best friends an author or an aspiring author can ever have: Writer Beware and Absolute Write Water Cooler. Here's John Scalzi's breakdown of what this Write Agenda is, and why they're doing what they're doing.
For those not in the know, Writer Beware and Absolute Write Water Cooler are free services that collect information on agents, editors, and publishers. They report on things like how long agents take to respond to queries, whether certain editors are looking for certain genres, and other things like that.
They also bear the cross of a darker duty, which is warning writers when someone's a crook. Using lots of documentation, both sites build cases against those agents and publishers who do unscrupulous things: like steal manuscripts, demand payments for services rendered (a big no-no in the industry), or otherwise swindle their clients.
To make a long story short, this "Write Agenda" decided that it doesn't like such information to be known. And it attacked not only Writer Beware and Absolute Write Water Cooler, not only some of the individuals running these sites, but such random folks as the board members of the Science Fiction Writer's Association, as SFWA hosts Writer Beware. To add insult to injury, "The Write Agenda" demands these writers be boycotted.
AND YET THEY DIDN'T BOYCOTT A SINGLE LEAGUER.
Meanwhile, we at the League use the shit out of Absolute Write and Writer Beware. We used it querying, we still use it to gossip or to read up on people, and we will continue to use it.
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US DESERVES TO BE BOYCOTTED, AND HERE'S WHY:
NICOLE PEELER deserves to be boycotted because she not only uses both sites, but she has “Nicole + Writer Beware” tattooed across her buttocks. She wakes herself in the night shouting “Absolute Write Water Cooler!” in ecstasy. She also plans on naming her first-born child John Scalzi.
MARIO ACEVEDO Mario Acevedo deserves to be boycotted because he has trained flies to sit together, forming the letters "The Write Agenda" on piles of fresh dog shit. He takes joy when fans write to him, saying they pleasured themselves after reading his books. If Mario has any regrets, it's that he didn't take every advantage in life to demonstrate what a pervert he can be. Especially with John Scalzi, on whom he has a tremendous man crush.
J. F. LEWIS deserves to be boycotted, because he knows the F word and lets his characters use it from time to time. Worse, he owns books by the other authors on the boycott list and thinks you should, too. He even volunteers for SWFA. Obviously, he is a monster of Godzilla-like proportions.
Another Leaguer in desperate need of boycotting is MARK HENRY, known sympathizer, user of profanities and ex-lover of the Absolute Write site. Why, they used to make love until dawn. Sweet, sticky love. And by "love", I mean fucking. That's right, I said it. Fuck.
Leaguer and writer of vile paranormal porn novels MICHELE BARDSLEY deserves to be boycotted because that bitch never shares chocolate with anyone EVER, except with Writer Beware, who is her pimpdaddymack. Also, she writes romance novels wherein her characters say things like "Fuck!" and then they go and fuck. A lot. Because romance is about intimacy.
JACKIE KESSLER deserves to be boycotted for the following boycottlicious rant: “So Jackie Morse Kessler's stuff is evil enough to be an anathema to the Wall Street Journal, but it's not quite evil enough to be banned by The Write Agenda? Damn it!!! How will I ever, with all of my Writer Beware loving ways, ever get officially banned??? **channels inner Monty Python** I fart in your general direction, Write Agenda!!! You wouldn't know what to do with a Grail shaped beacon if one lodged its way up your buttocks!!! There, I said it: BUTTOCKS. Write Agenda is BUTTOCKS! Ban me, Write Agenda!!! I triple dog dare you!!! And...and...neener neener!!!”
JAYE WELLS has the audacity to insist that money should flow to the greedy word slingers who insist on making an honest wage for their "work." If that wasn't bad enough, she is also a member of SFWA, with whom she had a child out of wedlock. Poor little Remainder Wells is being brainwashed by his vampire-porn-writing mother to believe that writers are people, too. Boycott her now. Do it for the children!
KEVIN HEARNE is a member of SFWA and once sat on a panel moderated by John Scalzi, so he should damn well be boycotted by the cockwaffles at The Write Agenda. He even recycled an empty can of Scalzi's private stock of Coke Zero, so he's been well and truly contaminated with Concern for Other Writers. He occasionally frolics on the boards at Absolute Write and spends his extra time building miniature siege weapons armed with marshmallows. Boycott that fucker now!
DIANA ROWLAND deserves to be boycotted because she's Evil. (Jackie Kessler will vouch for this.) Not "ha ha she's so evil" but "Hard Core Rule in Hell Evil." Plus, she once licked John Scalzi's sausage and has the photographic evidence to prove it. Also, she once ran for office in SFWA but lost, which makes her a Scalzi-Sausage-Licking Evil Loser. Totally worth boycotting.
JEANNE C. STEIN deserves to be boycotted because she was declared a corrupter of American Youth by a "researcher" at BYU-- what, she doesn't write YA, you say? That didn't seem to matter. Maybe that researcher also works for The Write Agenda
ALLISON PANG deserves to be boycotted for so many iniquities. Purveyor of all things Hello Kitty. Writes about panty-sniffing, ass-biting unicorns. Guilty of using the phrase “Turgid Magnificence.” When she's not dreaming of daemons with deer peens, she's fantasizing about the board of SFWA--all with deer peens.
ANTON STROUT deserves to be boycotted, because he’s the epitome of “Writer! Beware!” Writer of bad sex scenes. Writer of failed sex scenes. User of words like "asspony." According to his one-star reviews, the man-child shouldn't be allowed to write at all. You can help by boycotting him! Do it now before he gets on one of his tirades about how there's room for BOTH indie publishing AND traditional publishing alike. Somewhere a self-publishing unicorn just died reading that sentence. Boycott the mofo now!
STACIA KANE should totally be boycotted because not only is she a member of SFWA, and not only has she written blog posts Writer Beware has linked to, and not only has she gotten hate email from scammers, but she's a moderator at Absolute Write. Really, she's practically a Gimme. (Not to mention her books are filled with sex and drugs and all that stuff.)
DAKOTA CASSIDY should be boycotted by The Write Agenda because she writes shitty, shitty paranormal/contemporary books with the maturity level of a twelve-year old (sorry, kiddies!). Oh, and also because she hopes to own the tiara for Miss Most Boycotted 2011 and make that bitch hers!
K.A. STEWART should be boycotted on general principal. She kicks puppies, eats bunnies, picks her nose at the dinner table, and those are her good traits. Most egregious of her sins is that she is a permanent resident of Absolute Write, where she is often found in company of a secret obscene cult that worships The Almighty Junk.
CAROLYN CRANE deserves to be boycotted because she often directs writers who are seeking guidance to Absolute Write and Writer Beware, thereby helping to deprive needy scammers of victims! AND, she draws pornographic cartoons AND wanders around in public under the demonic influence of chocolate!
KELLY MEDING deserves to be boycotted because she's just another pretenda who stomps around Absolute Write in her big old Moderator boots, squashing the writing dreams of others. She dares think that writers should (*gasp*) get paid for it. Yep, GET PAID FOR IT. Not pay others for it. She writes (*gasp*) fantasy, too, full of violence and monsters and strong women kicking ass, and inflicts these on the unwilling public via (*gasp*) commercial publishing.
KAT RICHARDSON deserves to be boycotted, because not only am I a Leaguer and a member of the SFWA and a friend of John Scalzi's but I'm so horrible I didn't even have time to write up why I'm so horrible! (but no fear, just as horrible Nicole added me in, cuz she wuvs me!)
To show their solidarity with both Absolute Write and Writer Beware, the League wants YOU to be boycotted, too. If you're a writer, BOYCOTT YOURSELF IN COMMENTS. Tell us why you deserve a thorough boycotting. If you're a fan, get your favorite author over here and get them boycotted!
All the cool kids are boycotted. Why aren't you?
If we get 100 authors to boycott themselves, we'll EACH donate $15 dollars, to be divided between SFWA's legal fund and Absolute Write. Help us put our money where our mouths are, AND GET TO BOYCOTTIN'.