Dialogue #3
***Note: we got a couple of submissions more than we planned to post, but decided to post them anyway, so this will run into Saturday. Also, if got an email from me, yours will be posted.**
"Consider this a verbal curtsy as you have me quite immobilized at the moment my Lord," I said trying not to sound sarcastic.
His eyes gleamed with an infuriating combination of mischief and pity. "I do so miss you at court. The way you struggle with protocol and authority, always saying the inappropriate thing or using the wrong fork. You were like a breath of spring in a withered garden."
"Yeah, well too bad I never really felt the love while I was there. I have a life now where no one is afraid of me except those who should be."
"You can't blame us for being a bit nervous around the only being that has the inborn ability to kill us. It tends to make some of us, well, edgy," he said coming to a stop in front of me.
"Being half demon didn't seem to help much either."
Jaye's comments:
You got two things I love--snark and a half-demon who can kill everyone. Plus, I like his droll humor. It's a nice foil set against her more in-your-face sarcasm. For the exercise, since we're limited on word count, I have to make a couple of assumptions. First, I assume she's supposed to sound like a modern, snarky woman. Second, I assume he's supposed to sound like British nobility. If that's the case, we're cool. If not, let me know and we can address those issues in comments.
Also, we need some commas. "Consider this a verbal curtsy, as you have me quite immobilized at the moment, My Lord," I said trying not to sound sarcastic. (note the capitalized M in My Lord--unless she's talking to God, which would take this scene in a whole new direction). I think the C in Court also needs caps.
The word "that" should be used only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise you're cluttering things. Witness: "You can't blame us for being a bit nervous around the only being that has the inborn ability to kill us."
Cut the "that has" and insert "with." It's a nitpicky change, but it's tighter.
These are mostly minor tweaks. I'll leave it to Stacia to address anything else she thinks could flesh it out.
Stacia's comments:
I agree with Jaye about the commas and the voices.
I'm not crazy about "His eyes gleamed with an infuriating combination of mischief and pity." I think I'd like to see a little more of the girl's personality in there, something like, "His eyes gleamed. Mischief, or pity? Looked like both. Jerk." or something along those lines. This girl clearly has some spunk, I'd like to see that in the attrition as well--I have a hard time "seeing" what those two emotions would look like in someone's eyes, so a little more explanation of it would be good for me. (Nothing's wrong with the line as it stands, it just doesn't work as well for me as it might.)
I also think instead of "I said trying not to sound sarcastic" you could try something like "I tried not to sound sarcastic" or "I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice." Then the gleaming of his eyes could show that he caught the sarcasm anyway, which gives them another little spark of intimacy. And cut "he said coming to a stop in front of me" altogether. It's unecessary. If you must indicate his movement, try "He came to a stop in front of me" or "He stood right in front of me" or "He was so close I could see the fine linen weave of his shirt."
And again, Jaye is right. Cut "that has" and put "with".
This was fun--very intriguing!
"Consider this a verbal curtsy as you have me quite immobilized at the moment my Lord," I said trying not to sound sarcastic.
His eyes gleamed with an infuriating combination of mischief and pity. "I do so miss you at court. The way you struggle with protocol and authority, always saying the inappropriate thing or using the wrong fork. You were like a breath of spring in a withered garden."
"Yeah, well too bad I never really felt the love while I was there. I have a life now where no one is afraid of me except those who should be."
"You can't blame us for being a bit nervous around the only being that has the inborn ability to kill us. It tends to make some of us, well, edgy," he said coming to a stop in front of me.
"Being half demon didn't seem to help much either."
Jaye's comments:
You got two things I love--snark and a half-demon who can kill everyone. Plus, I like his droll humor. It's a nice foil set against her more in-your-face sarcasm. For the exercise, since we're limited on word count, I have to make a couple of assumptions. First, I assume she's supposed to sound like a modern, snarky woman. Second, I assume he's supposed to sound like British nobility. If that's the case, we're cool. If not, let me know and we can address those issues in comments.
Also, we need some commas. "Consider this a verbal curtsy, as you have me quite immobilized at the moment, My Lord," I said trying not to sound sarcastic. (note the capitalized M in My Lord--unless she's talking to God, which would take this scene in a whole new direction). I think the C in Court also needs caps.
The word "that" should be used only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise you're cluttering things. Witness: "You can't blame us for being a bit nervous around the only being that has the inborn ability to kill us."
Cut the "that has" and insert "with." It's a nitpicky change, but it's tighter.
These are mostly minor tweaks. I'll leave it to Stacia to address anything else she thinks could flesh it out.
Stacia's comments:
I agree with Jaye about the commas and the voices.
I'm not crazy about "His eyes gleamed with an infuriating combination of mischief and pity." I think I'd like to see a little more of the girl's personality in there, something like, "His eyes gleamed. Mischief, or pity? Looked like both. Jerk." or something along those lines. This girl clearly has some spunk, I'd like to see that in the attrition as well--I have a hard time "seeing" what those two emotions would look like in someone's eyes, so a little more explanation of it would be good for me. (Nothing's wrong with the line as it stands, it just doesn't work as well for me as it might.)
I also think instead of "I said trying not to sound sarcastic" you could try something like "I tried not to sound sarcastic" or "I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice." Then the gleaming of his eyes could show that he caught the sarcasm anyway, which gives them another little spark of intimacy. And cut "he said coming to a stop in front of me" altogether. It's unecessary. If you must indicate his movement, try "He came to a stop in front of me" or "He stood right in front of me" or "He was so close I could see the fine linen weave of his shirt."
And again, Jaye is right. Cut "that has" and put "with".
This was fun--very intriguing!
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