Dialogue #7
"Pleasure." Meg coughed nervously and pulled her hand away, stuffing it shyly in the pocket of her jeans. "So are you on the back-breaking crew or the fragile box-packing crew, Sabrina?"
"How charming." Sabrina shook her thick, wavy hair and it cascaded over her back and shoulders. "You know, Meg, you're one of the first new people I've met that didn't assume what I could or couldn't do based on my looks."
Sabrina took a step closer and Meg felt warmth rush over her cheeks and neck. "You and Ms. Hawthorne…are you…together?"
Meg flinched inwardly at the question, but forced a smile. "No. Sky is my sister-in-law and my friend. That's all."
"Interesting." Sabrina ran her tongue over her lips and grinned." Well, I'll do whatever you need me to, handsome." Meg watched Sabrina stride into the house, her movements graceful and hypnotic.
Jaye says:
Hmmm, methinks Sabrina has naughty plans for the innocent Meg. You can drop "shyly" in the second sentence. The action itself implies shyness. I also think so much is said between Meg's question and Sabrina's provocative answer later that we need a reminder. So: " Well, I'll do whatever you need me to, handsome." Could become: "As for your question, I'll do whatever you need me to do, handsome."
"Sabrina took a step closer and Meg felt warmth rush over her cheeks and neck." Could be tightened (I know I sound like a broken record by now). Try: "Sabrina stepped closer. Warmth rushed into Meg's cheeks and neck."
It might also be nice (and this may be the next sentence below where you cut for word count) to describe how Meg's feeling as she watches Sabrina walk away.
Stacia says:
Hmm. I basically ditto what Jaye's said, especially about "Warmth rushed to Meg's cheeks and neck."
I'm also not crazy about Meg's inward flinch. It's a tic I have myself, but it bugs me when I use it so I feel like I need to say something when I see it elsewhere. I'd like it more if Meg wondered exactly what Sabrina meant by the question, like:
Sabrina took a step closer. Warmth rushed over Meg's cheeks and neck. "You and Ms. Hawthorne…are you…together?"
Oh my God. "Sky is my sister-in-law and my friend. That's all."
So we feel a little more connected to Meg; we're experiencing her nervousness and attraction instead of just seeing it. It doesn't have to be that exact thought of course, but if you bring us closer to Meg, put us deeper into her body and mind, it gives us another way to see her and her feelings.
I'd also like the last line to start its own paragraph.
Is this meant to be sexy? Because it is. :-)
"How charming." Sabrina shook her thick, wavy hair and it cascaded over her back and shoulders. "You know, Meg, you're one of the first new people I've met that didn't assume what I could or couldn't do based on my looks."
Sabrina took a step closer and Meg felt warmth rush over her cheeks and neck. "You and Ms. Hawthorne…are you…together?"
Meg flinched inwardly at the question, but forced a smile. "No. Sky is my sister-in-law and my friend. That's all."
"Interesting." Sabrina ran her tongue over her lips and grinned." Well, I'll do whatever you need me to, handsome." Meg watched Sabrina stride into the house, her movements graceful and hypnotic.
Jaye says:
Hmmm, methinks Sabrina has naughty plans for the innocent Meg. You can drop "shyly" in the second sentence. The action itself implies shyness. I also think so much is said between Meg's question and Sabrina's provocative answer later that we need a reminder. So: " Well, I'll do whatever you need me to, handsome." Could become: "As for your question, I'll do whatever you need me to do, handsome."
"Sabrina took a step closer and Meg felt warmth rush over her cheeks and neck." Could be tightened (I know I sound like a broken record by now). Try: "Sabrina stepped closer. Warmth rushed into Meg's cheeks and neck."
It might also be nice (and this may be the next sentence below where you cut for word count) to describe how Meg's feeling as she watches Sabrina walk away.
Stacia says:
Hmm. I basically ditto what Jaye's said, especially about "Warmth rushed to Meg's cheeks and neck."
I'm also not crazy about Meg's inward flinch. It's a tic I have myself, but it bugs me when I use it so I feel like I need to say something when I see it elsewhere. I'd like it more if Meg wondered exactly what Sabrina meant by the question, like:
Sabrina took a step closer. Warmth rushed over Meg's cheeks and neck. "You and Ms. Hawthorne…are you…together?"
Oh my God. "Sky is my sister-in-law and my friend. That's all."
So we feel a little more connected to Meg; we're experiencing her nervousness and attraction instead of just seeing it. It doesn't have to be that exact thought of course, but if you bring us closer to Meg, put us deeper into her body and mind, it gives us another way to see her and her feelings.
I'd also like the last line to start its own paragraph.
Is this meant to be sexy? Because it is. :-)
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