So, when we decided to invite new people to join the League, I was all, “Whatever, yeah.” Then everyone was like, “Surprise, surprise, look who has no one to invite, Miss Never Leave the House.” And I was all, “Dude, I left the house like twice this week, and it was AWESOME.”
To prove I leave the house, and have many, many friends, I fired up my Twitter feed and pointed to find one lucky winner….
Unfortunately, it was a porn spam-bot, that replied with an automated message.
So I fired up the magic finger again, and this time I landed on Anne Rice! Who immediately blocked me.
But Kevin Hearne got fingered last, and this one said yes. So,YAY, KEVIN! WELCOME TO THE LEAGUE OF RELUCTANT ADULTS!
I told Kevin to send me some pictures, so that I could blog his introduction, a sort of "This is Your Life...in Snark!" In return, I sent him some saucy pics I’d taken with a Polaroid and a polish sausage. Who knew restraining orders could get issued so fast?
When Kevin was still talking to me, though, he gave me some captions for the pictures. Which I have translated into snark, a language in which dear Kevin has yet to become fluent.
Here’s Kevin as a wee lad:
Kevin writes, “I wasn't reading about Dick and Jane and their dog, Spot in kindergarten, because that shit was boring. I was already reading Spider-Man and longing to get bitten by radioactive arachnids. Marvel Comics taught me how to read, cementing my nerdhood at an early age.”
Translation: “OMG I’M GINGER! FUCK!”
Here’s Kevin as a band geek!
Kevin writes, “Band Camp: A sophomore in high school. As a hardcore nerd I thought it might be a great idea to join the marching band. There wasn't anything nerdy about that, right? At the camp in Prescott with their metal bunks and atrocious window treatments, I tried (and failed) to look cool with a can of Mountain Dew and an oversized pair of tighty-whitey shorts.”
Translation: “This brightly colored soda can really calls attention to my junk. And wait’ll the ladies get a load of my tuba...maybe they won't notice I'm ginger.”
Here’s Kevin’s family!
Kevin writes, “Got the writing bug at age 19 in college. Started three different novels and never finished one. Meeting an awesome woman and starting a family put writing on the back burner for awhile, but the muse called me back to Microsoft Word. It took me six years to write my first complete (albeit unpublishable) novel, then three years to write the second. I learned quite a bit from the process. The third book, HOUNDED, took a year. My fourth, HEXED, took only five months. I began to wonder if I could eventually write fast enough to start a novel today and finish it yesterday.”
Translation: (from baby) “OMG PLEASE DON’T LET ME BE GINGER!”
Here’s Kevin geeking out!
Kevin writes: “As I sell my books 19 years later at age 38, nerdhood continues. I start painting miniature dwarfs because the redundancy amuses me.”
Translation: “Hey, little man, whatchoo hiding behind that big skull of yours?” Oh, wait, that was just me……
And here’s Kevin’s author photo:
Kevin writes, “The official author photo at Whiskey Row in Prescott. Twinkle in my eye indicates close proximity to whiskey.”
Translation: "OMG, I’M STILL GINGER."
So that’s Kevin Hearne! His books are coming out BAM BAM BAM (or April 26, May 24, and June 28). I blurbed them. They’re about a smexy tattooed druid who I’d totally boff.
And don’t say, “You’d boff anything, Nicole,” because I’ve totally not boffed, like, a majority of the population. Assholes.
Anyway, yeah, his series is called THE IRON DRUID CHRONICLES (to which I say, “Prove it, Druid!”), and is made up of Hounded, Hexed, and Hammered (to which I say, “I’ll give you a hammering, Druid!” Please feel free to riff on these titles yourself, in comments. He’s one of ours, now!).
To see just why Kevin is perfect for the League, and why I like him so much, check this out:
Kevin’s the bomb, his books are great, and he moves like a stripling from Menudo. What more could the League ask for?
Now where’d I put that sausage….