What I've Learned Watching Horrible Horror Movies

I've confessed here before about my hideous taste in movies. The weeks leading up to Halloween is a veritible buffet of awfulness for viewers like me, who can't seem to get enough schlocky scares. I've learned a lot from these movies about to keep your life interesting, and I thought I should share them here:

-If you are in a graveyard, by all means, go to the creepiest, worst lit and most decrepit part of it to get drunk and mock the dead.

-If you’re on vacation in a strange land and you see a creepy looking artifact, a book bound in human skin or a sacred object the locals fear/worship, be sure to stick it in your pocket and take it home. Oh, and give it to your kids, if you think they might like playing with it.

-Nothing bad ever happens to pretty girls.

-Assume that your loved one - who has been bitten by flesh-eating zombies - is going to be just fine and you should continue to spend time with them.

-If you inherit a mortuary, remote rural motel, or a farm with a questionable number of outbuildings from a distant relative you've never heard of, be sure to move right in.

-Uninhabited islands, defunct summer camps, and abandoned psychiatric facilities are great places to hang out with your friends!!

-And when you’re having a kegger in said islands/camps/nut wards, and your friend comes running out of the woods gibbering hysterically about a monster- ignore them. It's a party! You're there to have fun!

-Oh, and be sure to sneak off and behave in a giddy, sexually irresponsible manner. There’s no way the killer will use you to demonstrate a moral lesson.

-If you are a lovable sidekick to Casper Van Dien, Bill Paxton, Gabriel Byrne, Coren Nemec or Bruce Boxleitner, assume that you will be just fine. There’s no way you’ll be the first death that serves exposition purposes.

-Also if you see Lance Henriksen anywhere in the vicinity… see the above.

Please post your favorite terrible horror movies and the lessons you've learned from them here:


Natalie said…
If you're driving alone or with friends in the middle of nowhere (especially in the middle of the night) always leave your cell phone at home or let your battery run down. You won't need it so why bother bringing it?

If your car breaks down on that drive, be sure to get out of your car and go off walking alone to find help. And there will be help, in the form of a kind, generous, misunderstood man who's missing a limb or an eye.

And don't worry, the run-down garage will get that obscure replacement part for your broken vehicle installed by the end of the day so you don't need to worry about getting a room at that creepy motel down the road.
Always where the most inappropriate shoes when walking through fog covered, creepy, abandoned places.

If you hear a creepy scary sound run towards it, not away.

Always drop and/or lose flashlight, cell phone, or gun in the first 15 minutes.
Sharon S. said…
If you are in a boat and something knocks from underneath, make sure you lean way over the edge of the boat to get a better look.
unseelieme said…
If you see a large dog with foam dripping from its mouth, for god's sake walk up and pet it. I'm sure it just ate some soap and needs comfort.

If your friend disappears mysteriously, split up to find them.
You can cover more ground that way.

That redneck with the wrecker that just happened to come along after your tire mysteriously blew? Totally innocent. Go home with him to use his phone.

That scary monster? Go immediately to its den/nest/breeding area to check it out. You'll be perfectly safe.

When being chased by mutant spiders, clowns, bees, bugs, tomatoes, etc. run slow enough so that they can keep up.

And my last... meteorites seen falling to earth should be hunted down immediately. Anything odd found at the crash site should be assumed to be harmless. In fact if its small and furry, it might be some new kind of chibi-pet. Bring it home.
Anonymous said…
Always head to the basement to investigate that strange noise - after all ist just a small dark room with only one way in and out.

Throw a party in an old creepy cemetary - ignore the recent spate of reopened graves - fill them with ice for drink storage

A wheat field is a harmless place to play and don't worry that scarecrow is not really watching you.

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