I've confessed here before about my hideous taste in movies. The weeks leading up to Halloween is a veritible buffet of awfulness for viewers like me, who can't seem to get enough schlocky scares. I've learned a lot from these movies about to keep your life interesting, and I thought I should share them here:
-If you are in a graveyard, by all means, go to the creepiest, worst lit and most decrepit part of it to get drunk and mock the dead.
-If you’re on vacation in a strange land and you see a creepy looking artifact, a book bound in human skin or a sacred object the locals fear/worship, be sure to stick it in your pocket and take it home. Oh, and give it to your kids, if you think they might like playing with it.
-Nothing bad ever happens to pretty girls.
-Assume that your loved one - who has been bitten by flesh-eating zombies - is going to be just fine and you should continue to spend time with them.
-If you inherit a mortuary, remote rural motel, or a farm with a questionable number of outbuildings from a distant relative you've never heard of, be sure to move right in.
-Uninhabited islands, defunct summer camps, and abandoned psychiatric facilities are great places to hang out with your friends!!
-And when you’re having a kegger in said islands/camps/nut wards, and your friend comes running out of the woods gibbering hysterically about a monster- ignore them. It's a party! You're there to have fun!
-Oh, and be sure to sneak off and behave in a giddy, sexually irresponsible manner. There’s no way the killer will use you to demonstrate a moral lesson.
-If you are a lovable sidekick to Casper Van Dien, Bill Paxton, Gabriel Byrne, Coren Nemec or Bruce Boxleitner, assume that you will be just fine. There’s no way you’ll be the first death that serves exposition purposes.
-Also if you see Lance Henriksen anywhere in the vicinity… see the above.
Please post your favorite terrible horror movies and the lessons you've learned from them here: