Friday, April 18, 2008

Dialogue #9

James said, his voice hoarse, "We wanted to surprise you. We wanted to make you proud. Just like Dad did."
Donal, looking from one face to the other, smiled around the lump in his throat. "You did, boys. You always have."
Scott said, "We'll be leaving in the morning, Grandpa. Sarge has us heading north."
"I'll be ready to go, just tell me when."
"What?" asked Scott.
"I want to go see your grandmother, boys. I've been waiting until I could ask, one man to two men. It's time."
"But..." said James.
"Let's go talk to that teacher of yours." Donal was quiet but firm. "I want to go home, boys. Take me home."

Stacia says:

Wow, I really don't have much to say about this one. Very nice, the emotional connection between this man and his sons comes through very clearly and there's a sadness here that's very natural.
Instead of "James said, his voice hoarse" I would probably just say "James's voice was hoarse."
Same with "Donal, looking from one face to the other, smiled around the lump in his throat." It might be a little cleaner if it was "Donal looked from one face to the other, smiling around the lump in his throat."
I'll leave the rest to Jaye.

Jaye says:

I agree with Stacia that this is pretty clean except for the tag issues. Personally, I think "James's voice was hoarse" is a bit awkward (Stacia adds: I agree), but it's the right direction. It might be nice to add a shared look between James and Scott before Scott says "What?" Also, I found "one man to two men" confusing at first. I assume this is a context issue, but I stumbled over it at first. Take another look and see if you agree. Overall, though, this is a touching scene.

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