Thy Robes, They Be Mesmerizing

Occasionally, Caroline, my wife, and I drive to St. Martin's College a few miles from our home to make use of their modern and cavernously quiet library for writing stints and to escape the allure of the internet and the siren call of reality TV.

Last night was one of those times. We settled into the reading room and I pounded out a quick 1000 words (I'm becoming increasingly fond of sexualizing my writing, why say "typed" when you can say "pounded," "drove home," or, even, "spewed?"). Now those thousand words consisted of an incendiary sex scene between Amanda and her lover, who just so happens to be a werewolf. Like most of her passionate experiences, this one did not end well, not tragically, just well, embarrassingly and as so happens, it was prolonged and uncomfortable. Just like I like 'em.

Anyway, so I'm writing this truly filthy stuff and in walks one of the monastic brothers. He grabs a magazine and sits down nearby to read. I stop mid sentence. It's like I was physically unable to continue with a scene involving werewolf haunches, dog references and getting "locked up."

I had no choice, I instantly start composing this blog. Was I ashamed, I wonder? Maybe, or did the flowing black robes pose as much a distraction as a livejournal post or Frenchy on I Love Money.

Got me thinking. Why aren't there reality shows involving clergy? And if there were, what would they be called?

America's Next Top Jesuit? Make Me a Supernun?

Discuss.

Comments

Jaye Wells said…
I remember seeing a reality show a while back that followed a guy who went to live at a monastery with the goal of maybe becoming one. I only caught a little bit, but it was far from the craziness we're used to in those shows. I don't think it lasted long.
Gareth said…
Probably American Priestess, they could have Paul Burrell (please, keep him as long as you like), telling them that theyre not acting with all the decorum that they should be.
Jackie Ballway said…
I prefer Jumping for Jehovah (it's a trial of your faith and your body), but that's because of a long-time obsession with Life of Brian.
Mark said…
LOL! It IS a trial of your faith and your body.

Oh God I haven't seen that movie since the 80s.
Missy S said…
Wow... that's the first time I've heard of something stopping your writing. How... fascinating.

So tell me, did you have any bad experiences when you were a child??
Nicole Peeler said…
They totally did that reality show in Britain. The first series was (and I may have them reversed, but I think this was the proper order) a group of men who lived with and as monks for a spell. The second was a group of women who went into a nunnery. Some people were totally legit and really were pursuing spiritual enlightenment. Others were very obviously faking a desire for epiphanic encounters in order to be on the telly. The whole thing left me rather sad.
Qwill said…
Some show ideas:

Heaven's Kitchen - a really nice encouraging chef helps monks learn how to cook and run the monastic kitchen.

Survivor: Vatican - Bishops vs. Cardinals in tests of faith.

Priest Swap - a small rural church swaps its priest with a big city church.
Mark said…
I remember a religious cooking show on PBS. I think it was called Our Daily Bread. Baking figured heavily, as you might expect. I don't recall If the monk called anyone a fucking donkey. Could be wrong.
Denise said…
Did you perhaps have a parochial education? Writing about sex can be so hard. But it is well worth it. I can't write it with anyone around!
Davida Dean said…
since i am the daughter of two retired army enlisted, then they became cops, who are now ministers I would put forth the

"Americas next pistol packing preacher" contest - contestants must be able to orate like billy sunday (get down and pound on the floor) AND out shoot the rest.

OR how about the "Does Sister Ann wear combat boots" - an intersting journy into the past of your local parishes nuns - similar to high school reunion shows, but exposing who they were before they donned the habit.

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