"If You Show The Boy Your Cookies"

Because someone dared me, here's how I think it would go if Eric (from my Void City series) tried to explain the birds and the bees to a still-human version of his daughter Greta:

Eric: But you already know...

Greta: Well, yeah, but I still want us to have The Talk. All daughters get to have The Talk.

Eric: Fine. You remember the book "If you give a Mouse a Cookie"?

Greta: Ye-es.

Eric: It's like that.

Greta: No it isn't.

Eric: No. It absolutely is...

Eric: If you give a boy a kiss, he'll want to touch your cookies. If you let him touch your cookies, he'll want to unwrap them. If you let him unwrap them, he'll want to put them in his mouth. And THEN, if you let him put them in his mouth, the boy will want to pet your kitty. But if you let him pet your kitty, he'll want to see your kitty. And of course, if you let him see your kitty, then he'll want to feed it. And if you let him kiss you, touch your cookies, unwrap your cookies, put them in his mouth, pet your kitty, see your kitty, and feed your kitty, you'll get pregnant unless you make him wear a raincoat on his banana. So it's better if you just kick the boy in the nuts and run over him with the car.

Greta: I don't think that's how The Talk usually goes.

Eric: No?

Greta: No, but it's okay, Dad. I like your version, too.

Comments

Jessica Kennedy said…
Awesome version! I need a copy of that book, "If you give a Mouse a Cookie." :)
pattepoilue said…
LOL ahahahah i love Eric's version of the talk ;)
JD said…
Hehehe. Must remember this for when I'm called on as Aunty Scientist to give The Talk to nieces and nephews...
RKCharron said…
hahahaha :)
Excellent post!
Thank you for sharing.
All the best,
@RKCharron
:)
Missy S said…
OMG... I love it!!! I think I'll save that file for my kids some day... :)
Hysterical, and all the funnier because it's something I can imagine a real single parent saying.
Anonymous said…
Hm...I like this. I have two daughters, so I like it a LOT!

mb
Suzan Harden said…
ROFLMAO!! I need to read this to Genius Kid so he knows wwhat to expect when comes to girls and their daddies.

Really scary Word Ver. - pusnets
JSB said…
*dies laughing* Cant't...breathe...So giving this talk to the teenagers in my life.

~J
Daelith said…
That's great! Thank you for the laugh today.
Jeremy F. Lewis said…
Glad you folks enjoyed it. :)

Now you guys know exactly why I love writing interactions between Eric and Greta.
Richard said…
Ok, that was certainly worth a chuckle.
amcatoir said…
I work in a bookstore and don't think I'll be able to hand someone a Numeroff book again without thinking about this. Very funny.
silveradept said…
That's one of the best versions of The Talk I've seen in my life. And, of course, I like the inevitable realization that your kids already know about all that anyway.
Jaye Wells said…
Best sex talk evah!
waynemccalla said…
Only you...
That was great.

Wayne
Jeanne Stein said…
Oh Jeremy-- where were you when I had to have the talk with my daughter?

You are truly a sick man... I love it.

J.
Anne-Kathrine said…
OMG Im dying that is soooo funny!!! I really need to stop reading this at work LOL.
saycheesepease said…
OMG! I had to send this to my friends--I cracked up! Seriously, now I've added the void city books to my list of things to read because now I *have* to meet Eric! LOL! Too funny! May have to file that to explain my daughter when she's big enough!
Ed Pahule said…
*wonders how he can modify The Talk so he can give it to his son*
Demon Hunter said…
LOL. Too funny and disturbing on different levels. :-D I loved it.

You've reminded me of an episode of the Golden Girls where Dorothy was expressing whether or not a guy liked her "cupcakes' or not. And Rose told her that her cupcakes were dry...lol.
ROTFL - I have to wipe the tears out of my eyes to respond to this. I love this explaination.
Rissa said…
So I was reading the five-year-old his bedtime story tonight. It was If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. I kept wondering why it sounded so familiar.

Then it hit me. I remembered this post. So hard to finish reading as I am laughing my butt off.
thats how i would give the talk to a daughter...dont see anything wrong with it lol
Jeremy F. Lewis said…
Heh! That's great, Rissa. :)

I don't know, Justin, the running over part, is probably bad "real world" advice, but I think it captures the way many dads feel anyway.

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