Horrible Horror Movies...
I am known for having bad taste in movies. And the wealth of Halloween-themed movies playing is practically a bad movie buffet to satisfy my cravings. If you enjoy schlocky brain candy and you see the following showing on cable, STOP IMMEDIATELY and watch.
The Fallen Ones (2005) - A giant Egyptian mummy is unearthed in an American desert, then comes to life when his angel father decides it’s time to rain down some Biblical destruction on humanity. Thank God Casper Van Dien and Robert Wagner (Robert FREAKIN Wagner!) are there to stop it.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005) - David Boreneaz as a sociopathic thrill-killer who murders Edward Furlong’s girlfriend as he leads his merry band of Satanists to ritual guaranteeing …. Oh, Lord, I don’t know. I stopped caring when Dennis Hopper made an appearance as a psychotic pimp. After that, I just watched it for the “train wreck in slow motion” factor. I love me some David Boreanaz, but I think there’s a reason he hasn’t made many movies.
The Crow: Salvation (2000) – Apparently, when a serial killer sews your mouth shut, you can just cut the stitches out and continue talking/fighting off said serial killer without any problems. Well done, Kirsten Dunst.
P.S. Stop with the freaking Crow sequels already!
Route 666 (2001) - Lou Diamond Phillips. Federal agents who make time on witness transfers for some back-seat nookie. And zombies who kill people with jackhammers. Need I say more?
Children of the Night (1991) - Amy Dolenz and Peter Deluise against a wholesome all-American town turned vampire. Possibly the only vampire movie in which the undead sleep underwater, breathing though exterior lung-sacs. Yes. Really.
Abominable (2006) – A new take on Sasquatch. And boy, Sasquatch is pissed. Next shown at 11 a.m., Oct. 28 on SyFy.
Boo! (2005) – As if you need more reasons not to visit creepy abandoned hospitals. This one’s interesting in that the ghosts can take over dead bodies, and when they’re destroyed, the bodies explode into goo. That’s pretty much all that’s interesting about it.
Shallow Ground (2004) – OK, this title is actually a pretty high concept venture. Victims of violent death return from the grave all over the world to exact revenge on their murderers. And when you’ve killed a whole bunch of people in your work as a creepy “turn people into life-size puppets” serial killer, they all merge into one unnerving blood-covered super-victim. If not for the terrible, terrible acting, this wouldn’t have made my list. But it does star Stan Kirsch, my favorite supporting actor from the Highlander series. You can catch this one at 3 a.m., Oct. 24, on SyFy.
Mortuary (2005) - This movie actually scared me pretty badly. A widow takes over a decrepit funeral home in an effort to make a fresh start for her two children… because decrepit funeral homes are a great place for kids. Honestly, who would be surprised when zombies start popping up? What makes this one different is that the zombies are created by a gross, oozy substance that crawls up from beneath the funeral home through the walls and plumbing. Seriously, try taking a shower if you can make it all the way through it.
And finally: Piñata: Survival Island (2002) – I tuned into this movie because it “stars” Nicholas Brendon, my dearest Xander, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Xander and his college buddies, including Jaime Pressley, have learned nothing from any horror movie, ever, because they use their spring break to isolate themselves on a remote island with their sorority/frat friends for drunken fun and games. Should it have been any surprise when an evil piñata comes to life and murders them all? OK, in that situation, I probably wouldn’t have guessed “evil piñata” right away, but still…
From what I’ve read, Brendon and Pressley showed up to the set thinking that the movie was supposed to be a parody of bad horror movies, and found out too late that they were wrong. I’m choosing to believe that. And this one is showing at 4:15 a.m. Oct. 29 and 9:45 a.m. Oct. 30, on AMC!
The Fallen Ones (2005) - A giant Egyptian mummy is unearthed in an American desert, then comes to life when his angel father decides it’s time to rain down some Biblical destruction on humanity. Thank God Casper Van Dien and Robert Wagner (Robert FREAKIN Wagner!) are there to stop it.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005) - David Boreneaz as a sociopathic thrill-killer who murders Edward Furlong’s girlfriend as he leads his merry band of Satanists to ritual guaranteeing …. Oh, Lord, I don’t know. I stopped caring when Dennis Hopper made an appearance as a psychotic pimp. After that, I just watched it for the “train wreck in slow motion” factor. I love me some David Boreanaz, but I think there’s a reason he hasn’t made many movies.
The Crow: Salvation (2000) – Apparently, when a serial killer sews your mouth shut, you can just cut the stitches out and continue talking/fighting off said serial killer without any problems. Well done, Kirsten Dunst.
P.S. Stop with the freaking Crow sequels already!
Route 666 (2001) - Lou Diamond Phillips. Federal agents who make time on witness transfers for some back-seat nookie. And zombies who kill people with jackhammers. Need I say more?
Children of the Night (1991) - Amy Dolenz and Peter Deluise against a wholesome all-American town turned vampire. Possibly the only vampire movie in which the undead sleep underwater, breathing though exterior lung-sacs. Yes. Really.
Abominable (2006) – A new take on Sasquatch. And boy, Sasquatch is pissed. Next shown at 11 a.m., Oct. 28 on SyFy.
Boo! (2005) – As if you need more reasons not to visit creepy abandoned hospitals. This one’s interesting in that the ghosts can take over dead bodies, and when they’re destroyed, the bodies explode into goo. That’s pretty much all that’s interesting about it.
Shallow Ground (2004) – OK, this title is actually a pretty high concept venture. Victims of violent death return from the grave all over the world to exact revenge on their murderers. And when you’ve killed a whole bunch of people in your work as a creepy “turn people into life-size puppets” serial killer, they all merge into one unnerving blood-covered super-victim. If not for the terrible, terrible acting, this wouldn’t have made my list. But it does star Stan Kirsch, my favorite supporting actor from the Highlander series. You can catch this one at 3 a.m., Oct. 24, on SyFy.
Mortuary (2005) - This movie actually scared me pretty badly. A widow takes over a decrepit funeral home in an effort to make a fresh start for her two children… because decrepit funeral homes are a great place for kids. Honestly, who would be surprised when zombies start popping up? What makes this one different is that the zombies are created by a gross, oozy substance that crawls up from beneath the funeral home through the walls and plumbing. Seriously, try taking a shower if you can make it all the way through it.
And finally: Piñata: Survival Island (2002) – I tuned into this movie because it “stars” Nicholas Brendon, my dearest Xander, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Xander and his college buddies, including Jaime Pressley, have learned nothing from any horror movie, ever, because they use their spring break to isolate themselves on a remote island with their sorority/frat friends for drunken fun and games. Should it have been any surprise when an evil piñata comes to life and murders them all? OK, in that situation, I probably wouldn’t have guessed “evil piñata” right away, but still…
From what I’ve read, Brendon and Pressley showed up to the set thinking that the movie was supposed to be a parody of bad horror movies, and found out too late that they were wrong. I’m choosing to believe that. And this one is showing at 4:15 a.m. Oct. 29 and 9:45 a.m. Oct. 30, on AMC!
Comments
Abominable was kind of funny. I have a saved IM conversation I was having with a friend while we watched this movie "together." Our commentary was very MST3K.
I think I blocked out most of The Fallen Ones.
Try David in "Mr. Fix It" or "I'm With Lucy." The romantic comedies are much better suited to him. Even "Valentine" is better if you want something scary.
Yup I too have watched a good few of these and they are solid horror slock which can fill in some time for the viewer.
However when I watched C:WP, I was left with the feeling of "Gimme my 2 hours back." I mean, my god, the cast had you thinking, it should be OK, so you watch it and then wonder what the hell you could have done with the time. Such as drilling holes in the writers head. If I want someone to argue to save my life, gimme the guy that sold that lot of crap to the studio to get the financing.
He's a great actor. I'm just happy he continues to make great TV. (I Love Bones!)
House of Wax - daughter from 24 and dude from Supernatural
My Bloody Valentine - other dude from Supernatural
Boogeyman - big brother from Seventh Heaven
Boogeyman 2 - blond kid brother from Seventh Heaven
Texas Chainsaw (remake) - hot sister from Seventh Heaven
The Hills have Eyes (remake)- Emilie de Ravin from Lost (and why I can remember her name and no one else's, I don't know)
I Know What You Did Last Summer - Buffy and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who was popular from Party of Five back then
I totally need to go put that in. Later :)