This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things!

ACK! I missed my posting date here at the League. I have an excuse! (OK, I have a bullshit reason, which is not an excuse and I'm totally a dweeb for forgetting, which is not the same thing.) Well, sort of late and sort of an excuse because I'm supposed to post today--which I am, right now--but it was supposed to be by 5 AM. And y'know, it's like... not that early. 'Cuz I'm sooooo not a morning person and I was kind of... not thinking about it last night. 'Cuz I was busy!

Busy doing what? Well, y'know-- Hey! None of that! There was this leak, see? In the boat deck. The stern deck right over the bed. Right in front of the main hatch. And it's, y'know, leaking!

So... it's been raining. Because, y'know, this is Seattle in February. And it rains here. A lot. Especially in February. And I was distracted by the water that was sneaking in through the heater in the ceiling and trying to ruin my very expensive new mattress. And the thing about boats is the leak is almost never where you think it is. So you patch that... and it doesn't work. So you patch this... and it doesn't work.

And then you start sacrificing small animals to arcane gods and searching their entrails for hints to where the leak really originates. And then you go on a woodwork safari, like a waterlogged and sawdust-encrusted Indiana Jones searching for the Lost Sanity of the Boater. Up the river without a canoe. And there are Snakes! Good God, why did it have to be snakes?!

OK, so... maybe not snakes, but there are spiders. And it's wet! And there's this wood rot stench that's worse than the Okefenokee in mid-August with a whole Body Farm of corpses. All right... maybe not that bad, but pretty bad.

And the neighbors keep passing by in the rain and say stupid shit like "got a leak, huh?" and "when you're done with that one, you can come over and find mine, ha ha ha...." Why does anyone think that's funny? And can I kill them now?

Also, the male person known as Mr. Kat usually insists that whatever I think is the problem isn't and can't possibly be because... well, because. Because water flows uphill on boats and somehow the leak in the deck must be related to the doors being on tracks and it must be the tracks leaking. Uphill. Because the crack in the center section of the decking couldn't possibly be the problem, even though it's swollen and right over the stupid radiant heater someone installed in the roof of the Master cabin! Noooooo!

Whose asshatted idea was it to put a bun warmer on the ceiling. In a wooden boat? And run heavy electrical wire under a frequently wet wooden deck to this same ridiculous installation? I mean... do they come from a planet where electricity and water are bets buds? Where heat doesn't tend to rise? Or were they, perhaps, thinking of the "bun warmer" for warming their own buns? And if so, what position did they stand in that put their butt so close to a heater in the ceiling?! Maybe they really are asshats! OMG! The previous owner was a cannibal who wore his victim's butts as hats!

AAAAAAAAAA! Run away!

No, wait.

I think I'll just put a plastic patch over the part of the boat I think leaks and see what happens.

Well... lookee there: it stopped leaking.

hah. I'm right.

Which was why this post was late.

And why we Can't Have Nice Things! (Damn it.)

Comments

Dawn said…
Yea, your brain works a lot like mine! Which means I laughed and thoroughly enjoyed your rant! Dawn Webb
Mario said…
Rant away, Ms. Kat. And stay dry.
PS: I've always enjoyed your mildewy fragrance. Very sexy.
Kat Richardson said…
gosh mario... thanks... I think.
Miss Bliss said…
oh mah lord...so funny. But it's rather obvious you are boat people because not once did you say "why did I ever buy this boat?" Even the misery is a specific enjoyable boatish sort of misery.
Kat Richardson said…
It's like having a fixer-upper house you KNOW is going to be a showplace someday. You just never question that, even when you think "WTF?" I'm definitely "boat people" or as we say in the pub "floating trailer trash." ;)
Sharon S. said…
I think we need to reiterate the important thing here.... You.Were.Right.

all is right with the world

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