Hi, I’m Allison Pang and this is my first (and quite possibly last) post at the League of Reluctant Adults. >_<
Of course, it is Valentine’s Day, and that comes with its own set of issues…so I’m not actually going talk about that at all. Not that I’m against a holiday celebrating love or anything, but I’ve never been a fan of forced displays of affection for the sake of commercialism.
So, that means I’m going to talk about unicorn pr0n wtfkery instead, which is neither commercial nor anything romantic or particularly celebratory. (At least, I hope not.)
In truth, my one claim to momentary fame has a lot to do with a certain panty-sniffing unicorn character that I write about. Part frat-boy, part Yoda, Phineas is by far the most popular thing to come out of A Brush of Darkness, and I’m often asked about how I thought up such a crazy character.
Personally, I’m not sure he’s all that unique. I just took everything about unicorns that we generally know – the pure, noble, chaste parts…and reversed them. (Unicorns are often pretty dynamically charged sex symbols anyway - it’s not like a creature with a big phallic symbol sprouting out of his head could really be seen as anything else. Don’t believe me? Check out the plush stuffed peniscorn here.)
Phin is small and obnoxious and a complete lech, and that seems to work, but I’m certainly not the first person to write about perverted unicorns.
I’m not even counting FrançoisRabelais’s reference: “…out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some six or seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a turkey-cock's comb. When a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arrow.” Keep in mind that the characters were visiting a place known as “The Land of Satin,” so draw your own conclusions there.
No, I speak of one Aubrey Beardsley – who was an artist/writer from the late 1800’s. Although his erotic art was his general claim to fame, he also started a novel of sorts known as Under the Hill. (Incidentally, Under the Hill was actually a retelling of the Tannhäuser opera by Wagner – which involves a poet visiting the underground palace of the goddess Venus – aka Venusberg and his adventures there. I find this rather ironic, since much of the worldbuilding lore I based A Brush of Darkness on was drawn from the Thomas the Rhymer poem…which is about a poet drawn into the court of the Faery Queen and his adventures there…yay, full circle. Guess there really isn’t anything original out there after all.)
At any rate, in one chapter of Under the Hill, Aubrey writes about Venus and her unicorn, Adolphe. While the language is certainly a bit flowery in places and a bit tame by today’s smut standards, it becomes pretty clear that Venus essentially gives a hand job to her unicorn. (He has a scarlet John, you know.) She does this every morning. In fact, no one gets breakfast until she completes this act…upon which she consumes the results.
All of a sudden, Phineas seems pretty tame by comparison. And no, I will never be writing up an Abby/Phin manual expression scene. Ever.
Assuming you haven’t reached for the bucket of brain bleach yet, I want to express my utter disappointment that the website unicornporn.org does not have either unicorns or pr0n. However, should you wish to buy that awesome puking unicorn sticker up above, go check out Unicorns Rock for that and other fabulous unicorn WTF items.