Sunday, April 10, 2011

What Was I Thinking?

Yes. This is the question I ask myself each and every time I get a new contract.

WTF, Dakota?

And then I ask--Who (I know it should be whom, but really, do you talk to yourself like that in your head?)the hell did you think you were kidding when you thought you could write a book?

You know how this all starts? It all starts with my big mouth and my even bigger ideas. It goes like this: Dear Agent, OMG—I have this awesomely, fantastical, never before seen idea that will make you laugh and laugh and I don’t mean at me.

Agent emails back (and I’m sure she when she does it’s just because I can be like an annoying gnat, all up buzzing in your head) and says—Well, it’s options time (options means I’ve fulfilled my last contracts. Wherein I’ve already forgotten the promise I made to myself that I’d never do this shit again), whaddya got?

I email back my brilliance to her in one hundred words or less concept style.

She emails back and tells me I’m only sorta brilliant because I need to do XYZ to make my sorta brilliant really brilliant.

I do XYZ to the sorta brilliant and send it to her in about a chapter’s worth of brilliance because for whatever reason, in order to get the feel of things, I need to flesh the idea out. Then she giggles. I giggle because she giggled. Everybody’s effin’ giggling. She goes off to pitch it to my editor. I wait in an utter state of hysteria, gnawing my nails to the quick. I moan. I fret. I wander the house with greasy hair in an old T-shirt and fast because if I eat, I’ll yark.

But then…

Apparently, my editor giggled, too. I mean, I think she did. I dunno. Maybe she had a couple drinks beforehand and she was already giggly. All I know is she bought it. So my agent calls to tell me.

Squeeing ensues. During said squeeing, I’ve forgotten all about my pact to never go back to “OMG-landia what are you going to do now?” I email my BFF’s. They squee, too. I tell my twelve fans. I’m not sure if they squee. I think it’s rather a collective moan.

I celebrate and buy myself a “Yay, you did it” pat on the back I-Pex bra. Or sometimes I go whole hog and get two.

So agent hashes out da moolah and then…

I have to write what I thought was so brilliant—which, I might add, was not either brilliant. It was horseshit. It’s all horseshit.

That’s the next thing I say to myself when I finally sit down to write this genius concept that I spent all of twenty minutes hatching like the fool I am. Because here’s the thing, it’s all fun and games when all you have to do is say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if?” and you lie your way through a proposal. You know, like me.

It’s not so funny when you’re a pantzer like me who abuses the English language as it comes to her versus being a smart writer and plotting it all out in advance.

Yeah. I have a vague idea of what I want to do with the book as a whole. But it’s so vague, it’s like invisible, and it takes foreverandafrickin’day for me to get from point A to point B.

So there I sit with my one stupid chapter and a brief synopsis of what’s “supposed” to happen. I read it over and over, praying it’ll jar something—anything that I can turn into a story.

I cry. I call my BFF’s and cry. They listen to me cry. Someone usually passes me a tissue. I talk it out. They let me talk it out, with the occasional “Shut up, Dakota” mingled amongst their supportive poor babies.

And then something happens. I don’t know what. I don’t know how. It just does, and all of a sudden, I can’t shut the eff up and neither can my fingers.

And that’s where I’m at right now. I can’t shut the eff up. It’s also the time I think I wouldn’t have this crazy job of mine any other way.

Until the next book, that is :)

19 comments:

Saranna DeWylde said...

It's a sick, sick addiction.

Keep taking hits, love. ROFL. You're wonderful.

bridgetw3 said...

I hope I was counted in your 12 fans and for the record, I always squee.

Brandy W said...

I'm positive you have more than 12 fans. Hell my mom is hooked on you and she hasn't even read one of your books.... yet.

I love the crazy mess your mind is. Its what makes you great.

Sarah Davis Brandon said...

I'm a new fan, and a new writer. I am chock full of squee! The life of a pantser is crazy up and crazy down!!

huffnuz said...

Wow! You mean that is all there is too writing and publishing those awesome books and becoming a millionaire??????

Pat said...

And you know the best part of your books, Dakota? They are just as laugh out loud funny and just as fantastic as you are.

Dakota Cassidy said...

Yeah, huffnuz. That.s It. LOLLOL. You gotta be sadistic to be in this biz. A total lover of everything pain-riddled. Tee hee!

Dakota Cassidy said...

Aw, thanks, Pat, Bridget, and Brandy W and Saranna :) You'se is all very kind :)

NoraA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NoraA said...

Fan no. 13 chiming in here to remind you of your own famous (or infamous) words.

SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!!!

@}}----}-------------

You put your foot in your mouth and signed on the dotted line, just as you've done before. We all know that we are going to buy this new book, and we are all going to love it. Then we are all going to suck up to you, telling you what a fantastic author you are.

Get over yourself and start writing.

damonxfan said...

Yay, rotfl, reading one of yours now! <3

CLMcCune said...

Hello little girl...it's your stalker babe...I must be #13 }:) I know your full of it...er...ideas & I'm glad you scribble them down for us maniac followers. Hm...does that make us maniacs for following or us following the lead maniac? Love ya girl!

Dakota Cassidy said...

LOLLOL@Nora and Cindy! You're al so warm and fuzzy :)

Author Mary J. Dressel said...

Dakota, you're one of a kind. Be proud girl! This was a very cool post. Best luck. :-0

NoraA said...

I'm fuzzy????? Damn !@!!!! I guess it's time to wax again.

Witchgirlkc said...

I love how you write! Seriously, even your writing process is funny!!!

casbahj said...

Maybe you just keep getting infected with the Evil Plot Bunnies Patti O'Shea was blogging about yesterday?

Either way we're generally giggling so much while reading your books very hard to see anything :)

Gail said...

Congrats on 'signing on the dotted line' for a new book:-) We, your above and beyond 12 fans are waiting for more! So we're all gald that the writing maddness strikes you like a bowling ball;-)

Michelle said...

Dakota I think I'm in Lurve. You crack me up constantly. You may be a pantser, but we love you for it!!

Who the HELL Do We Think We Are?

We're a bunch of paranormal romance and urban fantasy authors who occasionally blog, make filthy jokes and prowl the halls of conferences and conventions with switchblades!

Current roster: Mario Acevedo, Michele Bardsley, Sonya Bateman, Dakota Cassidy, Carolyn Crane, Molly Harper, Kevin Hearne, Mark Henry, Stacia Kane, Jackie Kessler, J.F. Lewis, Daniel Marks, Richelle Mead, Kelly Meding, Allison Pang, Nicole Peeler, Kat Richardson, Michelle Rowen, Diana Rowland, Jeanne C. Stein, K.A. Stewart, Anton Strout, and Jaye Wells

******************