Haunt Someone Else

Okay, ze last post about paranormal "reality" shows.

I have to say that shows like "Ghost Hunters," "Ghost Adventures," and "Paranormal State," are at least TRYING to either find real evidence of paranormal activity or help people claiming they have supernatural problems. Okay, "Ghost Adventures" just picks creepy places and locks their selves inside all night, but still.

"Most Haunted" ... not so much. It's great fun to watch, though. They take a walk-through of the building and discuss all the horrible history. Hangings! Murder! Women walled up in rooms and left to starve! Then they get their psychic du jour to do another walk-through and he comes up with amazing (amazing!) details about the place, and usually some names that are either so common to the time period the historian confirms them (do I sound cynical?) or that can't be identified at all. I dunno. If some asshole walled me up in a room and left me to starve, I think I'd be pissed off enough to reach the psychic and reveal pertinent details.

Anyhoodles, then our intrepid investigators and the psychic turn off the lights and use their night vision cameras (which always makes their eyes look freaky) and go through the creepy place asking the ghosts to communicate. They always have a seance. Surprisingly, the table nearly always moves and/or knocking sounds are heard. Spoooooooky. The British chick is always screaming her head off or saying in loud whispers, "Didja hear that?" They talk so loud, you can't hear if there was a noise or a voice. This does not prevent "Most Haunted" from re-playing the moment 700 times so you can not hear it again.

Still, it's an hour I don't have to do laundry, so I'm in.

"A Haunting" is a little scarier in tone. Demons are always popping up in these houses and possessing people. Weird. The haunted experience is re-enacted by actors, and then interviews with the real people are interspersed throughout the segment.

Here are some things I've learned from this show:

*Buying old houses is stupid. In addition, buying a plot of land without verifying it was an old Indian burial spot or a forgotten cemetery is also stupid.

* If you're going to use witchcraft ... don't. Just don't. You can't go out and buy books about Wicca and expect to know what you're doing. Leave the Wiccans alone, damn it. The same goes for using Ouija boards (Hello, did ANYONE watch "The Exorcist"?) or other instruments designed to invoke and/or contact the spirits.

* Getting your priest to bless the house just pisses off the demons/ghosts/neighbors. Every time one of these home owners call in some religious dude to get rid of the entity, things immediately get worse. It's the same story, "Everything felt lighter, as if the darkness had been lifted." And the next night, the evil spirit comes back and brings friends. Now, it's a demonic party. Good job.

* If the psychic is scared of your house, get out. Pack your shit and leave. Whatever's there isn't going to leave. It was there before you. If it doesn't like you or it wants your child or it's scratching your husband ... getouttathere.

And so ends our foray into the televised delight of haunted places (and people).


Hey, guess what? I got some NEWS!

On Writer Wednesday, I will review ROAD TRIP OF THE LIVING DEAD by Mark Henry. Amanda Feral and her BFFs steal a Winnebago and hit the road.

Next week, on Thursday, March 5th, I will be in Houston with Dakota Cassidy at Murder by the Book.

And did I mention the new Michele's Minions website?



donnas said…
You described both those shows so perfectly. And if you havent seen it there is a French and Saunders skit about Most Haunted that is hilarious.
Vickie said…
I occasionally watch these shows for the NVG effect on the eyeballs.
I've only watched all the way through one episode of one that had Colin Ferguson from 'Eureka' trying really hard to not roll his eyes each time someone whispered, "Did you hear that?"
Anonymous said…
Love the list! I would like to add:

If, upon moving into your new home, you find embalming equipment, a door that won't open, or a book that looks like it's made of human skin, MOVE OUT.

If you feel yourself "connecting" with the entity in your home, this is not the start of a healthy relationship. This is the start of a parasitic spiritual infestation by a creature that's out to eat your soul.

If you do your ill-advised priest blessing/exorcism and the spiritual activity instantly decreases, your method of celebration should not include a shower.
Natalie said…
I watch Ghost Hunters, for the fact that they actually try to find evidence and not beef things up.

Haha, I like what you said about the religious dude coming in to exorcise the house. Everything is fine, till the next night, when the real demon party starts!
... I wonder what a demon party would be like. What would they thrash too? Some Chimaira or something of the Heavy Metal delight?

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