Disclaimer: The following post in no way reflects the opinions of anyone connected to the League of Reluctant Adults, its heirs, employees, relatives, or dry cleaners. None of us, in fact, have any idea who this Jennifer Rardin bimbo is. Can we vote her off the island yet?
Humans, I've come to believe, are master procrastinators. None more so than writers. Because nobody is standing over us with the Glowing Sword of Thesaurus, threatening to spear, pierce, stab, spike, and skewer us if we don't hunker down and put some damn words on the screen. I suspect even some of our League members have, from time to time, struggled to fend off the Procrastinator Monster, who skips into the office bearing Ding Dongs and 24-hour Internet access, knowing full well we have the willpower of shipwrecked sailors.
Sometimes (like now) when I'm getting ready to begin a new book (damn, they're long!) I find myself deviously avoiding face-time with ye olde outline. This might be because I've always despised outlines, never having completely understood where to put the capital "A" versus the lowercase "a," not to mention the various numbers, which my high school English teacher insisted had to be symmetrical.
"If you can come up with two explanations for section A, Jennifer, you must also devise two explanations for section B."
"What if I can only find one argument to support section B, Mrs. Tortureme?"
"Okay, then. What if a large dragon came and bit off your head tonight? Would my paper still be due on Friday?"
But I digress. Or do I? Ummm . . . anyway. What do I do to avoid doing the work I should be doing? Here's a sample:
1) Make useless lists which can later be printed, recycled into paper airplanes, and raced across the living room.
2) Spend all day on Facebook trying to think up bizarre statuses (stati? staten?), taking ridiculous quizzes, and playing with my Fluff friend, Feerce, who I am training to go back in time to snap off the head of Mrs. Tortureme.
3) Clean. Yup, I am this desperate. Laundry. Dishes. Dusting. I've even been known to wash windows to avoid the laptop.
4) Watch reruns of Hogan's Heroes. Is this not the best show ever made (besides the Beverly Hillbillies, I mean?) Classic!
5) Make noodles. This can take an entire afternoon if you time it right.
6) Visit my mom. Same as above. Plus she pays for the food. Sweet!
7) Read a book and justify it as market research.
8) Go shopping. Eventually I'll be doing a talk. Or signing some books. Or something requiring decent clothes. (I tell myself this to avoid the guilt. It works.)
9) Decide I'll never write comfortably again without that white cardigan that I haven't seen in three years. Thus will commence a house wide hunt that will range from the attic to the basement. Eventually I will realize I'm wearing the cardigan.
10) Spend two hours planning a trip to the location about which I'm writing only to find it will cost me ten thousand dollars just for plane tickets and hotel fees. Scrap the whole idea and start planning a vacation instead.
How about youse guys? What're your top procrastination picks? Hope they're doozies. Lately it's been getting harder to put myself off, so I could use some new material!