Lean On Me

Not to be making sweeping judgments or anything, but I’ve noticed old folks fall down a lot. I don’t think I’m being influenced by all those Lifeline commercials. In fact, many of these day-trippers are people I know personally. They’re not like my nieces and nephews, who bounce right up again and zoom along with their business as if nothing had interrupted their travels. Nope. They kinda lay there, as if pondering how gravity could’ve let them down after such a long and fruitful partnership. And then they build themselves back upright, like Tai Chi practitioners, striving for smooth movements that won’t cause any of their joints to squeak in protest.

My growing frustration is that these lovely, wise, interesting elders could prevent many of their accidents by purchasing (and using!) a cane. But they resist. Why is that? Do they think that wrinkles are simply a sign of extreme tanning, but cane use signals impending death?

Since I can already imagine how pissed I’d be if I broke a hip right before racing season started, I’ve decided to proactivate, (yup, I think that might be a word eventually!) and get myself a walking stick now. You heard me. At the age of forty-three. A woman with no limp and only a limited history of falling is going to learn the three-step. I’m thinking I’ll start with a cane that has interchangeable heads, so I can switch them out to fit my moods. I’ll have a skull with a gold ring hanging from its nostril cavities for days when I’m feeling adventurous. The minotaur head with removable fake eyelashes will come in handy for occasions when I need to do last-minute dress-ups. Missing my garden? How about a scratch-n-sniff rose? And I spend so much of the month of May at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway that I’ll definitely need a cane with racing stripes topped by a tricked-out helmet with its own sound effects. Vroom, vroom, baby!

Okay, now I’m getting excited. Which way to the nearest walking stick store? . . . You mean, they don’t just have those at your nearest outlet mall? And the canes you find at the pharmacy look like microphone stands? Dude! No wonder the old folks are snubbing them! We need to put the cool back into the equation! I know! Hand that granny a javelin!


Mishel said…
Haha that's hilarious. I love the part about interchangable heads. Brilliant!
Jackie Ballway said…
Now I know where Vayl got his cane--you think he's too old to walk by himself!
Nicole Peeler said…
You could always go the deviant route and have a cane that the head twists off to reveal not a sword (a la Vayl), but a gigantic marital aid.
Thom said…
Don't forget to make one of those interchangeable heads silver, so you can go like Claude Rains on Lon Chaney Jr next time a werewolf pisses you off.
Jennifer Rardin said…
What I should've asked was what kind of head you'd create for your cane, Mishel. But on this site that just seemed like I was asking for trouble!

Absolutely, Jackie. He needs somebody close and cuddly. And redheaded!

See, Mishel? Nicole went there without me! LOL!

How did you know that werewolves are always pissing me off, Thom? It's the drool. Seriously, why can't we just keep it to ourselves pups?
Heather B. said…
So I can safety assume that you will be glued to the TV for the Bud Shoot out on Saturday? We are!! I can't wait. Hubby is a huge racing fan but has never got to go to one of the races.

Taylor-Marie said…
*puts hand up!* I'll be Vayl's close & cuddly redhead.... Although, I'm not really a redhead. Only partly.
Lovin' the cane idea (;
HI JEN! (x
Tez Miller said…
Clearly you need a pimp cane. Only I don't know where they get theirs.

But there are fancy walking sticks in the apothecary at Sovereign Hill: http://www.sovereignhill.com.au/

Have a lovely day! :-)
Lori T said…
Hi Jennifer...I just finished reading Once Bitten, Twice Shy and I absolutely loved it!! The only thing good about starting so late is that I can read the first five in a row!

I see that you have put some serious thought into this cane situation...I like the idea of a cane to match your mood.
Jennifer Rardin said…
Heather B., I'm more into Indycar (as in the dudes who drive the Indy 500) because of the phenomenal speed, but I do watch Nascar and have been to the Brickyard 400 a couple of times. Hope your hubby gets a chance to attend one--I was never a fan until I got to see them go live. TV just can't capture the feel of it. My biggest complaint about Nascar these days is their cookie-cutter drivers. I think the publicists need to back off and let these dudes be themselves.

Hi Taylor-Marie! So philanthropic of you! Duly noted!

Aw, Tez, yeah! With a velvet purple hat, kinda like the one I described in Bitten to Death!

Woohoo, Lori T, that's awesome news! Yeah, about the cane thing, this is pretty much what I do to avoid real work!
Rottie_mom said…
Brilliant!!! A cane. Personally I need body armor or something since I can't walk thru a doorway without hurting myself!

Oh another author to add to my ever growing list of kindle book purchases lol.
Jennifer Rardin said…
Yeah, baby! I'm right with you on the anti-grace, Rottie_mom. Although, really, couldn't they make doorways just a smidge wider? Or line them with cotton balls? Or something?
Nicole said…
With our freak snow over here in England this week, I could definitely use a walking stick. Suddenly the whole world is a death trap trying to do me in! Now, if only I had a big strong fella to escort me around everywhere (my husband claims he has to go to work and can't walk me between buildings at my job - sheesh...). I wonder if Cole is available for some friendly escort duty? ;)
Jennifer Rardin said…
Are you kiddin', Nicole? If you held out your hand he'd probably be nibbling on it before you could blink!

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