Honk, Honk....Yeah...Beep, Beep!

By -
I was watching Illini basketball yesterday, (pretty much the only kind I can stand to sit through) when I realized I desperately needed to be the Designated Horn Honker. You know, the person who signals time outs and ends of halves and such. Have you heard this sucker? It sounds like a train on steroids! And the power! People literally cannot start bouncing the ball until you hit the switch. Or maybe it's a big red button that lights up like a Christmas tree! Awww, man!

At any rate, as soon as they gave me the job, I would totally be slamming my hand on that puppy at random intervals.

Honk! Excuse me, everybody at the Big Kids' table here has the munchies, so we're pausing the game while Frank runs to the concession stand for Diet Cokes and Snicker Bars.

Beep! Time out for the officials. Yeah, I'm talking about you, dude. I can tell you need to pee. Go ahead, we'll wait.

I know, I know, they'd fire me nice and quick. My hubby estimated before the first half was over. But it would so be worth it. Which brings me to my question.

If you had godlike powers over the game of basketball, what would you do to make it more fun for everyone, including viewers like me who might be enticed into watching by the promise of man-eating lions?

Comments

GB said…
Ooh, God-like powers to make basketball more interesting? A random audience member could receive an electric shock everytime a player throws a three-pointer. Trapdoors on the court. Coaches that explode, literally, if their blood pressure gets above 120/80. Sentient hoops that can move. My, the options are endless!

Can this apply to any sport? Imagine it - drivers getting scored for make-up application while rally driving; football with bulls; beach cricket with killer whales in the outfield; the guys from Top Gear doing synchronised swimming, with available audio...
February 16, 2009 at 2:54 PM
Vickie said…
Nekkid basketball players.....
February 16, 2009 at 4:29 PM
Anonymous said…
Man eating lion? I would so like to see a man eat a lion. It would have to be a small lion, or a really big man, though.
February 16, 2009 at 7:12 PM
Anonymous said…
All amazing ideas, JD! I'd love to hear the play-by-play of that game. "Oh, and Johnson has fallen through the floor again! Tough luck for the home team!"

Go, Vickie! I'd buy season tickets to that show!

LMAO, tom-gallier! Either way, small lion or big man, I bet it tastes like chicken!
February 16, 2009 at 8:24 PM
Jo said…
::grumbling about people who get the "Beep Beep" song by The Playmates stuck in a person's head and then proceeds to discuss basketball... which can only be interesting if you see it in person::

As for your question... I'd kinda like the astronaut effect - at random intervals. So its basketball as usual, I decide to shake things up a bit, and suddenly the basketball players, refs, ball, and hoops lose gravity creating a slow-mo effect as the players attempt to dunk the ball. And suddenly (again) (with a jolt) everything settles down into it's new place.
February 16, 2009 at 10:29 PM
Jo said…
Sorry about the slaughtered grammar. These things need an edit option.
February 16, 2009 at 10:31 PM
John said…
Multiple balls. There's too much time in basketball where one team is holding the ball and everyone's just standing around. Give them a second ball. This actually applies to almost any sport.

That, or snipers.
February 17, 2009 at 7:13 AM
Anonymous said…
You can slaughter grammar anytime you like as far as I'm concerned, Jo. I despised that class! (Except in college, when my professor talked a lot about the origins of words. Pretty neat.) Love your anti-grav idea too. That's a game I'd actually try to play. And I suck at sports.

If I didn't have arms on my chair, John, I would be literally rolling on the floor laughing.
February 17, 2009 at 8:24 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

THE WRITE PRETENDAS

By -
Image
WE at the League of Reluctant Adults are pissed. Miffed. Put out. Thoroughly riled. We don't often get political, nor do we often get angry. But an angry Leaguer is an UGLY thing. Just look at Mark over there, all snarly with rage. Why are we angry, you ask? BECAUSE WE DIDN'T GET BOYCOTTED. There's this group calling itself "The Write Agenda," who claims to be a bunch of authors looking out for other authors. In reality, we're pretty sure they're a bunch of con artists who got mad at people calling them con artists. Why? Because they attack two of the best friends an author or an aspiring author can ever have: Writer Beware and Absolute Write Water Cooler . Here's John Scalzi's breakdown of what this Write Agenda is, and why they're doing what they're doing. For those not in the know, Writer Beware and Absolute Write Water Cooler are free services that collect information on agents, editors, and publishers. They report on thin...
Read more

Carniepunk Giveaway and Tour!

By -
Image
So, I'm sitting in my kitchen working at my laptop, as far as you know, when the doorbell rings. As any normal human being would, assuming there was a solicitor at the door or a sappy-eyed child selling diet-busting candy, I reached for my gun and slipped to the floor to avoid detection. Creeping across the hall, I lifted my head just in time to see the bestest shit-brown truck that ever existed barrel away leaving a puffy beige package on my doorstep, just like an unwanted baby...or THIS... YESSSSSSS!!! Carniepunk ARCs came!!! Now, some of you may know that this literary wonder was the brainchild of my friend and fellow Reluctant Adult, Kevin Hearne, author of such Iron Druidness as HOUNDED and star of a certain Single Ladies Dance Spectacular, featured here (feel free to witness that particular madness as you continue to read toward the inevitable contest): As excited as I am about my story in CARNIEPUNK (July 23rd), THE SWEETER THE JUICE (a post-apocalyptic zombie h...
Read more

5 Great Horror Movies to Rinse the Bad Taste of Ouija Away

By -
Image
In my ongoing effort to save you from studio horror movies cobbled together from the compressed shit of Hollywood burnouts, I bring you alternatives to OUIJA! #insteadofouija OUIJA has hit DVD/VOD and there's nothing we can do about that but don our gas masks, hunker down and pray for dawn. A horrifying prospect, but at least we can be entertained while waiting for the fallout to subside. Here's a few fantastic 2014 horror movie releases to make you feel like the world is still worth living... OCULUS seems to be a secret to this day. Despite some great buzz and a truly inventive style of storytelling, bouncing back and forth in time so fast the audience is left in a constant state of unease. The story wraps itself around a rapidly deteriorating family relationship brought to the brink of insanity by the presence of a haunted mirror. And that's where things get weird. The acting is pretty above average and the horror set pieces are jarring. OCULUS wasn't my fav...
Read more