Lean On Me

Not to be making sweeping judgments or anything, but I’ve noticed old folks fall down a lot. I don’t think I’m being influenced by all those Lifeline commercials. In fact, many of these day-trippers are people I know personally. They’re not like my nieces and nephews, who bounce right up again and zoom along with their business as if nothing had interrupted their travels. Nope. They kinda lay there, as if pondering how gravity could’ve let them down after such a long and fruitful partnership. And then they build themselves back upright, like Tai Chi practitioners, striving for smooth movements that won’t cause any of their joints to squeak in protest.

My growing frustration is that these lovely, wise, interesting elders could prevent many of their accidents by purchasing (and using!) a cane. But they resist. Why is that? Do they think that wrinkles are simply a sign of extreme tanning, but cane use signals impending death?

Since I can already imagine how pissed I’d be if I broke a hip right before racing season started, I’ve decided to proactivate, (yup, I think that might be a word eventually!) and get myself a walking stick now. You heard me. At the age of forty-three. A woman with no limp and only a limited history of falling is going to learn the three-step. I’m thinking I’ll start with a cane that has interchangeable heads, so I can switch them out to fit my moods. I’ll have a skull with a gold ring hanging from its nostril cavities for days when I’m feeling adventurous. The minotaur head with removable fake eyelashes will come in handy for occasions when I need to do last-minute dress-ups. Missing my garden? How about a scratch-n-sniff rose? And I spend so much of the month of May at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway that I’ll definitely need a cane with racing stripes topped by a tricked-out helmet with its own sound effects. Vroom, vroom, baby!

Okay, now I’m getting excited. Which way to the nearest walking stick store? . . . You mean, they don’t just have those at your nearest outlet mall? And the canes you find at the pharmacy look like microphone stands? Dude! No wonder the old folks are snubbing them! We need to put the cool back into the equation! I know! Hand that granny a javelin!